Hey, everyone.
I just wanted to give everyone an update. I’ve been on ghost mode for awhile, but I’ve been really struggling lately and I wanted to share what I’ve been going through on here. I won’t edit this post or look for any grammatical errors. I just want to write.
As much as I want to pretend I’m fine, I’ve been going through a lot. When this semester started, I felt like I was not contributing to my job as a previous pharmacy intern and I was not progressing. It had been over a year yet I felt like I was of adequate help for the company, so I decided to leave. There is no doubt in my mind that I had made the right decision yet I felt a sense of guilt. Did I quit too soon? Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have just stayed and kept it on my CV? No.
I also feel totally lost when it comes to friends and family. I know I’ve struggled with this before, but it has been weighing on my mind a lot. I think as I come to a close with my last year of classes and transition to hopefully a residency in a growing field, I’m feeling inadequate, afraid, and like I may not obtain the level of success I am hoping for. I feel like this world is programmed in a way that makes us think and believe we are competing against everyone, but that is not true. I don’t like competing against anyone else other than my own.
I’ve realized that the themes I want to dedicate my life to are that of service, love, gratitude, peace, and knowledge. I want to constantly learn and make a contribution to the world but where do I even begin? How do I even start? It’s even harder because I want to share all these ideas with someone, but I feel like no one understands how I feel or where I want to go. I feel like I’m trapped. I want my own people–my own community. Where are they?
I love my WordPress family. Right now we’re a little family of 46, which is beautiful. I hope that what I write impacts you guys because I write with the hope that it will reach someone. I don’t mean that I don’t have you as a community, but I wish we could all get together and just talk about what’s going on–our ideas, the world, spirituality…It seems like it won’t happen.
I don’t know if this is normal, but that’s how I’m feeling. I also feel stuck. I haven’t even looked for a job because I don’t know where the hell to look. Where the fuck do I go from here? Why am I struggling to get up and meditate and journal and do things I love? I don’t know. My only solaces have been working out, journaling, and meditating (Which I need to do again).
IF anyone else is dealing with this please write me a comment. I really need some kind words.
If anyone else is feeling lost, share your story and I’ll respond. Love you.
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